A PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT...
My house has been under attack now for 4 days. We are holding out but may need re-enforcements (sub-machine guns, those big sword things that klingons use and oh some curly wurlies.) Yes for some reason, maybe a pheromone that my highly toned masculine body is emitting, but the worlds supply of animals think that they can free-load off my house.
In the past week I have logged the following house and garden animal activity.
1. A fat bastard squirrel trying to grind its way into my loft
2. A magpie (convicts of the bird world) also trying to gain entry in my loft
3. A hedgehog trying to get into my garage
4. A cat (witches of the animal world) pooing - yes pooing - on my composter
I have therefore penned the following statement to be read to all animals that have heard of Chez Matt's and think that they can just waltz on over for a bit of R&R and walk all over me like some cheap piece of ass. I will not tolerate it any more. Mark my words.
Squirrels, Badgers, Birds, Cats and Moths,
It is with great regret that is has come to this but I feel we have reached a fork in the road that I may have to stab you with. Over the past year I have welcomed you with open arms. I have even left nuts for the Squirrels and stale bread for the birds. I had hoped that we could share our little piece of land but oh no. You have to take fucking liberties don't you. I have noticed this week that one of your Squirrel friends has been gnawing away at my roof making a hole the size of a football. I have therefore had to resort to a death defying stunt involving a wobbly ladder and a hammer in order to block said hole. It will go no further. It must end. I am going to refresh your memory. Remember February. I'm sure you do. There was no food was there and it was really cold. Some of your friends probably died. Well do you remember that one of your squirrel brothers went missing? Big bushy tale and pointy teeth? Remember him? Well I do. He was the one living in my loft, eating my gutter and generally making what is technically termed a fucking racket at 5am every morning. Well he didn't die of cold. No, sorry - but he was captured during operation squirrel storm. Your brother is currently a POW at an undisclosed location (see picture.) He is being fed well and has not been mistreated. But take my warning seriously. Any more of these shenanigans and he will be thrown in the canal. The event will be videoed and broadcast on Al-jazeera television. So stay away. Don't even think about touching my property. And the cat that shat on my composter - I'll turn a blind eye - as long as it's been removed by the morning.
Yours angrily,
Matt (captor of all things squirrel)
Do you think they'll listen?
16 Comments:
Do you think it's possible that many of these animals followed you back from camping? As if you needed another reason to hate it...
Unfortunately, I don't think the critters will listen unless they see one of their own perish. At my last job, a wildlife biologist was looking at a way to keep vultures away from a structe on a farm. The biologist made a replica of a vulture and hung it from the structure. When the vultures came to roost, they ominously looked at the fake vulture thinking it was one of their dead pals. The live vultures never roosted there again and moved out of the general area. True story! So, I think you should find a stuffed squirl and hang it from your loft. Don't know if it will work with the vermin, but it is worth a try.
As for the moths, they are too dim witted and neurotic to listen to you. They are truely hopeless.
Viel Gluck!
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haha oh admit it - you love being a cheap piece of ass ;)
oh and re "big sword things that klingons use" - I believe the term you're searching for is bat'leth (it's time to be open about my Trekkie leanings lol)
Dude, it's totally overpopulation. Too many people + too many animals = uncomfortable overlap. I'm telling you. It's a failproof scapegoat for everything ever. :)
You know, when animals change their behaviors it often means that something terrible is about to happen.
maybe a tornado? Hurricane? Oh, I've got it! Since they keep attacking your house, I'm 99.99% positive that it will probably burn down within the next week.
you better be careful. The animals know all.
and the bike and the bird story? My opinion of you has changed. Cold-blooded bird murderer. thats right. murderer.
LMAO, the animals are revolting! Perhaps you angered them first.
Did you ever eat bark of a tree? Shit in a cat food bowl? *shrugs* Just a suggestion. :D
BTW, if you go and see Pirates of the Carribean, let me know what you thought. And if you wet yourself too. :D :D
Kirsty. x
There was that one time...
Oh dear. They might see this as a declaration of war. First the Black Op mice will go into free the POW and then the whole animal army will descend upon your house.
All i can say is you should not have left your nuts out!
I think all the local birds are having avian meetings in our loft. We keep finding them in there sometimes alive, sometimes mummified.
Listen? That will guarantee you an exclusive on Al Jazeera! And I'll say, I knew him when... :)
NRM, cheap joke but v. funny.
Granted I did leave my nuts out.
Klingons use batleths. You may want to invest in some reversible choline-sterase inhibitors. Crazy how fast that shit works. And it's funny to watch them, running in ever tightening circles and doing backflips. Like Disney, but they die after.
Poor Matt. LOL
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