Ok so after reading about Bonestorms - sounds of silence experience - I was reminded of the time that the girlfriend and I lived in our first real bought house (I say this like it was years and years ago but in reality it was only last year.) Anyway, we lived next door to the quintissetial ASBO family. A complete hodge podge of foul language and fat belly button pierced fatness **deep breaths Matt** as you can see this all brings back bad memories. In fact it was hell. We lived in the house for a full year and the walls were that thin that we could even hear the family taking a piss. Wrong. So so wrong. Stop me though as I could literally write for hours in complete anger about a dog that barked all fucking day and how when I was asleep at 11pm they'd all come home from a day at Mcdonalds or something, swearing and arguing... grrrrrrr. I'm moving further and further from the story here....


The family consisted of a mother (on her own - nahhh - don't show any sympathy she was a complete bitch) and three children. The youngest had been expelled from school and was only 11. The middle girl was 13 and would quite obviously be pregnant within the next year. The oldest was 18 and a total utter chav. He drove a suped up Nova - I called him tosser - the girlfriend used to call him 'dweeb boy' as he was really thin and didn't look all there. Anyway I'd often heard 'dweeb boy' having sex with his girlfriend (a screamer by the way - just to add depth to the story) in his mothers bed when they were all out. It got quite funny at times as we would be in the bedroom giggling to ourselves with our hands over our mouths. Anyway there was this one time when we'd just settled down to watch Lost in Translation on DVD. We'd also had a curry delivered and were tucking into that. All was good and it had been pretty quiet next door. It was about 10.30pm. Whilst eating and watching the film I was conscious of a faint noise in the background that over quite a long time was getting louder. I looked across to my girlfriend. "what the fuck is that?" she eloquently asked. I muted the sound. "mmmm well - either 'dweeb boy' is having sex or someone is kicking their dog", I answered. I mentioned she was a screamer right? Well I'm thinking she must be faking? as I look across nervously to my girlfriend. "He must be hurting her", my girlfriend asked (this reassured me). After a few minutes of high tempo rhythmic body banging we heard a car pull up outside (at this stage by the way the film was off and the curry being kept warm in the oven) "No way - the whole family is home!!!!", I laughed. But the humping continued... and continued...we could hear the family talking outside.... the humping continued.... continued.... the keys jangling.... continued.... in the door..... STOP!.... mad rush of feet......(the odd "shit shit shit").... running around.... mother of the family shouting "Look at the fucking mess in here!!!".... Dweeb boy then runs downstairs to greet his mother and starts having a domestic with her about dishes in the sink - all of this whilst dweeb boy's gal is probably putting her bra and pants back on and making his mothers bed! Totally hillarious. Me and the missus have glasses up against the walls at this point trying to catch every word. I think he got away with it but did get her pregnant pretty soon after - sods law I say. I still laugh to myself about this now. He must have been so so close to being caught. Now that would have been funny.


I've lived in my fair share of housing and have experienced other such incidents.... in fact I could probably start a whole blog about hearing neighbours have sex - some funny some deeply traumatic. I was reminded of this by Blogstorm anyway so I hope you enjoyed it. Please let me know if you have had any similar comical experiences. God knows what the neighbours think of me and the missus - can you make much noise through a PVC gimp outfit?