Ever since I can remember I have managed to somehow end up in situations where I question how on earth I got there. This is one of them. Believe it or not I am actually at a wedding. Personally I liked wearing the shoes - is that wrong?



Oh and by the way thanks for the 16 hour lipstick. I managed to scrub it off in eight.

Two days ago - I got out of bed, went to the toilet and got myself dressed. I cooked myself a fried breakfast and had a sweet coffee. I then watched the news and weather. Looking at my watch I decided to head into town before all the traffic. At 9am I parked up in the large multi-story car park and did some retail therapy. I bought a short sleeve shirt for the summer and a pork pie hat from a joke shop. I also bought an old wooden pipe (but I don't know why.)

After shopping I went to have a hair cut which was the best one I've had in a while. I felt really good. Better than normal.

At 11.30am I went back home and watched some more TV. At 12.08pm I happened to be walking past the bedroom when I noticed that there was somebody in the bed. On closer inspection I noticed that it was me. "Oh my god", I whispered under my breath, trying not to wake myself. "If that's me then who am I?". My question was quickly answered when I was sucked back into my very own body and into a deep sleep. At 12.37pm I awoke feeling very refreshed with a nice new haircut.

This has never happened to me before but I would like to know how I did it. Has anybody else had an experience like this? Also, if I manage to do it again - does anybody fancy going to the Rhyll Sun Centre with me?

The secret to good living is thus..

1. eat well
2. be rich
3. be happy
4. be in love
5. have lots of sex
6. make lots of other people happy
7. be respected
8. use chopsticks

It is that easy. Tomorrow I will attempt to catch a ghost using a matchbox and a packet of size small marrigolds.

I thank you.

Over our most recent intelligent history people on the planet earth have motioned towards a notion (hey that sounds cool - motion the notion with potion, hollah) that 2 + 2 = 4, some have argued for five and have been batted down with screams of 'satan' and 'judas'. Today I announce to you that 2 + 2 = 907. Now before you answer 'eh?' - I'd like to let you into a little story. I am mad and my head is made of flour.

If you have two apples and try to add two goat skulls you don't get four of anything. You can't add apples with skulls!! it doesn't make sense - and in the same rule in that when you divide anything by zero you get infinity - in this instance you get 907 screams of ahhhhaaaaaaa. Another example:

A man walks into a flower arranging course and shouts out 'flaps' twice. He then moves to the front of the room and eats two flower heads. Now two shouts of 'flaps' and two flower heads do not make four of anything - they make 907 screams of ahhhhaaaaaa. Do you follow?

I like maths - it makes my eye hurt. Come back tomorrow when we discuss how babies are generated.

... you opened a vineyard in the south of france? No, oh, well how about you played macbeth in the school play? No, ooooh, I thought I'd be good at this. Wait a second..........ah, got it - you did voluntary work in Brazil? No. I really thought I'd get this right. I give up then - What did you do last summer?

"I smashed crabs up with the femur of a dead cow" - Arthur Miller tales of a summer of night.

In recent days I have been contemplating a world full of wasps. I don't mean just a great number of them getting in the way all the time - what I mean is a world FULL of wasps. Wasps every where you look. When you go down for breakfast with a hangover and all you want to do is grab a cup of coffee and go back to sleep - they are there filling your fucking kitchen - even in your coffee cup and then when you go back up to bed they are even in your bed and all over your wife - you'd never be able to put a condom on! You'd have real trouble getting to work also as your car would be full of wasps including the fuel tank. I'm sure there would be huge increase in fatalities on the roads caused by wasps. In fact we'd all have to wear special suits to stop the little shits from stinging us.

I concluded to myself that the whole idea is totally unworkable and not advisable. I am currently drafting a letter saying so that I intend to send to my local councilor, Richard Branson and the Queen. I'll let you know what they say. I expect that they will agree.

In which order should I go to bed?

I used to do the eyebrow first followed by the teeth and then the face but lately having been forced to also include my right arm into the equation I have been using the following order:

teeth then eyebrow then face then arm (right) and then sleep.

Is this correct? I'm not sure. I remember going to a conference where a Dr Fatwa Mcgee spoke about his going to bed routine. He had spent 12 years perfecting it and was happy to have settled on a smooth transition from awake to sleep. I have edited his routine slightly below for you - I hope you like it (repeated with kind permission of Dr Fatwa Mcgee jnr):

I go to be bed a 6pm every night. At 5.30 my routine begins. Firstly I undress at the entrance to the bathroom. Once naked I hop to the sink in order to air my verucca. For five minutes I clean my teeth before washing the following body parts in precise order for one minute each: eyes, ear (left), knees, ear (right), lips, forehead, hands, arm (right). I then apply a night gel to my entire body to preserve me in case I die in the night and nobody finds my body for a long time. I then meditate stood at the sink for a full ten minutes before hopping back to the door, redressing, running downstairs and rolling around in my composter. I then run inside, strip and apply cream to my verucca. This, I find, enables me to sleep incredibly peacefully.

I think that we can all learn from these insights.

Yesterday I bought a new lawn mower. It cost £120 and moves like a shit off of a slippery shovel. I love it. Today I wake up and despite mowing the lawn yesterday I have an urge to mow it again. I can't wait for next week. I will send you pictures if you want.

What has made me laugh today:

1. Putting brand new comoox.com stickers onto the back of my car window - mmmm - I think that I ordered a few sizes too big. The sign lasted on the car for maybe 4 minutes before my friend stanley was etching away at the freshly polished glass of my window to restore my beautiful car back to its form non-tainted self.

2. Reading my scribblings from the first 'cheese experiment' - see the Cheesy dream experiment.

Alas, that is it. All in all a sad day - oh, we have blue tits in the loft.

I will endeavour to laugh more at cruel things - e.g. stabbing a wasp with a broken bottle, a bird flying into a house window, a squirrel falling off the fence.

Until a time in the future. Albert Johnson.

Evening,

Matt has a blog, rich has a blog - we all have blooooooggggs.

So this is my first entry into the comoox.com blog section. This is meant to be for Matt and Rich to release our comedy tension on an as required basis.

For instance - today I had to clear two wasps out of my garage. There are ants in the garden and I think the window cleaners have been moving my garden furniture. mmmm.

I don't know about Rich - but I will try to update this post on a regular basis. You might want to drop in every now and then. You can even leave comments.

Joke? What do you get if you cross an otter with an eskimo?

You can't - it isn't scientifically possible - Not a joke. And anyway you wouldn't be able to get gloves small enough.