Every night I lie in bed in white fear that the TV in the bedroom will fall off the wall in the night. When I put the thing up it took a total of three trips to B&Q in order to get the correct bolts to go six inches in the wall to hold it up. It's big you see. Now one of the bolts wouldn't go in which basically means that the stand is a little precarious. This put me in a difficult position... I mean if I removed the stand and moved it somewhere else then I'd have to fill the four large holes I'd made in the wall. I opted to leave it with just three holes in. Now, when I turn the TV off to make the red light go away the stand wobbles in a "look at me" kind of way. Disturbing. I now await the night that my foot is broken into sixteen pieces by a 60kilo TV falling onto it from 7 ft up. Cheers for this.


On a similar theme there are one or two other DIY adventures that I have undertaken that I'm not quite confident of. We have taps in the bath that you have to massage in a certain direction otherwise you will no longer be able to get hot water... ever. I did that. There is also a pipe sticking up in the conservatory that if moved slightly will piss an arc of water five feet in the air. I've learnt not to touch this.


I'm what you'd call a highly confident precarious DIY master. I'm the one you'll find in A&E with a nail through my foot. At least I'm willing though eh?

...back to more sensible things.... today I am going ring shopping???? With only 8 weeks until we take off and fly to mexico I have finally been duped into shopping for wedding rings. I have one problem with this. I hate jewellery on a man. So I have dilemmas to face that I have never faced before. Shall I go for the big bold gold sovereign ring or a simple silver band? Do I go for engraved or patterned? Do I go post modern and get something made out of cast iron? I don't know.


Louise you see is all with the clapping.... so excited by the thought and ok maybe this is quite a big thing but knowing how fat my knuckles are I feel pressurised into making a good first decision, 'cos I know that whatever gets past the knuckle ain't coming off (Stu, stop your dirty thinking). I'm also scared of the fact that whatever I choose this evening will be it - for the rest of my faithful life... Any advice?

On Wednesday night I had my very own series of 'wtf?' moments. Through total kindness from a friend I had the pleasure of drinking from the furry cup of the rich. Yes indeedy.


(now if you are American,or a non-football fan then this will mean nothing to you - only try to put it into context)


I was given executive tickets to the Manchester utd vs Celtic match. What this entailed was a four course meal with champagne arrival, free bar and executive box seats to watch the match in. Excellent. As if this wasn't crazy enough the following events also happened:


1. As we walk in through the Directors entrance at the football ground and into the executive dining area we head straight for the bar, ignoring all champagne trails (not that I'm not partial to champagne - it's just that I'm normally naked or drunk when I do) only to see Frank Stapleton (football legend) propping up the bar "y'alright frank?" I ask. "yes" he replies. Isn't fame great?


2. Once at our dining table a man on the micorphone announces that Frank is here (round of applause) and then also announces that the man on the table next to us who looks vaguely familiar ("I've seen that guy before but can't quite put my finger on it) is only fucking David Beckhams dad!!! wtf?. "Y'alright Ted?". "Yes", he replies. Rock and roll.


3. We were then asked if we wanted to go down the players tunnel (not a euphamism) and down pitch side. Errrr let me think. Yes!!! During the next 15 minutes I got to stand in the dug-out where Alex Ferguson (manager) stands and have my picture taken... and as if this wasn't wtf enough, I also saw Andy Gray (commentator legend for Sky sports and ex-footballer), "y'alright Andy?", "Yes", he replies (scottish accent). Rock and fucking roll.


4. After finishing desert we were just getting ready to make a move for our seats for the game when the man on the microphone announces that a player who isn't playing tonight has just popped in to say hello and sign a few autographs... "please welcome.... Christiano Ronaldo!" (Ronaldo is a great footbaler with scope of being the greatest player in the world over the next five years) - this was an 'omg wtf' moment. Within the next 2 minutes it was chaos as people clambered over tables to take photographs and have pieces of napkin and knicker signed. I'm sure I saw him signing someone's buttock. Anyway I managed to get my program signed by him - "Y'alright Ronnie?", "Si". Easy.


After all of this I actually watched a great football game. A great atmosphere and the team won. All in all a great great day. I'm still pretty dazed by the whole celebrity thing but thought that I played it all cool and once again acknowledged to myself that this is the life that I was born to lead...... just give me a couple of years.


I'm intrigued as to how all you readers actually live. Am I just a peasant? Are you all just rich and famous with close links to the upper echelons of society? Can you please let me into you club? Share your wtf moments with me - I'd love to know.

... and so it was. Visit to the Oncologist told us that Lou does not require any treatment and that the best steps now are just careful monitoring. That was Tuesday afternoon. That night Lou and I got tremendously pissed on a concoction of champagne, wine, whiskey and vodka. I vomited into the kitchen sink. Nice.


The next day I had a hot water bottle (full of cold water) balanced on my head like a 'post-modern' hat. Fashion baby. It's been pretty much a cycle of drunk followed by hangover followed by drunk... as was the theme for this weekend as we visited friends in Sheffield. Drunk. But today we are both clear. Lou has gone back to work for the first time in five weeks and I'm a bit more actively minded than normal.


So the result of all of this is that the wedding is now on!!! 10 weeks yesterday we will be bording a plane in Manchester bound for Mexico!!! Can't wait. Has anyone ever been? After two weeks there (getting married at some point) we will then go and honeymoon in vegas - anyone been there? I think it might be difficult - wink wink.


So I'm jovial. Hell, you only live once and I think that although you are always told this, it is vitally important that we all follow it. ENJOY YOUR LIFE! When that friend calls and asks you to go for a drink or that cute girl at work smiles at you - do it. Make the move. Drink with the friend and ask the girl out. If you enjoy life then people will enjoy you. It's contagious you know. What I'm trying to say is that we're all hypocrits at times. Even me. I find it difficult deciding on going out - only to be the life and soul of the party when I am out. It's a bit weird really. So live it and love it.


I've learnt to do something lately - I don't know about where you live but I have started to really see the trees. It's like I've all of a sudden flipt my vision so that rather than seeing a load of buildings with the odd bunch of trees around them... I'm actually now seeing a forest that people have started to put buildings in. It's subtle but it wosrks. At times I can be driving down the road and it looks funny. It really looks like building have just been put up where they shouldn't. It's kinda nice and makes me smile anyhow - I know what you're thinking - "nutter". Probably true.

Okay so after recent more positive news I can honestly say that I feel like a new person, plus I'm watching re-runs of the West Wing on more4, giving me more
motivation than ever before.


What has happened to Louise has really given me a kick. "Get your fucking finger out" - shouts my subconscious every time I start to doodle and think of eating some cheese.


I'm a bit clearer about what I want from the short term now. I'm more focussed. I feel bigger.


But enough about me... I've noticed quite a lot of people recently talking about books. I love books!!!! I like to sniff them. Is this wrong?


Anyway I have a few tips for you....


6. The comedy Writer - by Peter Farrelly. This is a laugh out loud book that is something that I permanently have out on loan. A simple but funny read. Full of truth. Ouch.


5. American Psycho - Bret Easton Ellis. I have fallen in love with all Bret Easton Ellis's work over the years and this is the one that set it off for me. It's not the sex or the violence but just how he describes things in immense detail. Genius. Try Glamorama and Lunar Park also.


4. Modern Toss - Mick Bunnage. If there was ever a book to bring tears to the eyes and to act as a wonderful toilet book then this is it. Don't question me. Buy it. Open it. Laugh. Pass it on.


3. The Mars Trilogy - Kim Stanley Robinson. I'm not normally a sci-fi kinda guy but this whole trilogy meant so much more to me. Charting humans transformation of a future mars into a habitable planet and the controversy, rebellions and politics surrounding it was quite quite moving. Over three books you really attach yourself to the characters and the authors ability to describe landscapes beautifully really give the reader and feeling of being there.


2. The Pleasure of my Company - Steve Martin. Genius comedian and actor as an author??? Oh yes. This book is beautiful once again in its simplicity describing a guy caught up in the worlds irks. Intelligent and full of little observations that make you smile knowingly. I like a book that does this.


1. The curious incident of the dog in the night-time - Mark Haddon. This book describe the world from the view of an autistic child as he attempts to investigate the death of neighbours dog. Random you may say but this book makes so many observations about life, that we currently take for granted, that it has you turning to your partner every five minute 'having' to read out a sentence. A favourite gift for anyone.


So these aren't really my top six or anything. Just books I've read and loved. We've shared cigarettes and had the occassional fling, that sort of thing. Enjoy.


p.s. A complete legend and all but who had Steve Irwin in the death pool?

A quick update 'cos I don't have much time....


Lou had the results of her CT scan and it's all clear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is indeed really good news but doesn't mean that we are fully out of the water yet. But great great great news. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off of our shoulders. We were meant to wait until Tuesday but she saw the plastic surgeon today who got her results. We've still got to see the Oncologist on tuesday about possible treatments but we are very happy today.


In other news..... www.comoox.com has been re-launched. Sorry to go on. Please take a visit to the site and leave a very virginal comment. For those not aware of the old site: Comoox.com is the comedy site that I write with my mate Rich. It's a bit off the wall at times but I hope you can bookmark it and come back again....


Tataaa for now (Matt skipping away...)